Taking Time for Yourself in a Relationship

by John Gray

We have all heard this advice before. No matter how wonderful togetherness feels in a relationship, it is still crucial for partners to take time for themselves. There is simply no way that a man or a woman can fulfill all of their partner's needs; it's just impossible to do. Too often people will give up a favorite hobby, sport or pastime in the beginning of a relationship in order to devote more time and energy to making the relationship work. But, what happens down the road when one or both partners realize that they are terribly out of balance and not taking time for themselves? Relationship stress, miscommunication, or worse: resentment and emotional pain can result.

It is healthy to have different interests. In fact, giving up our own interests and the little things that we do to nurture ourselves when a relationship starts will eventually lead to resentment down the road.

It's important for both partners to value quality relaxation time. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty about spending time alone. Independence is good for both men and women, no matter how close they may be in the relationship. Typically, when one partner actively takes some alone time, their partner is encouraged to do the same.

How our differences compliment each other:
Just as men and women have different needs in a relationship, they also have different reasons for needing time to themselves. Too much togetherness usually results in partners expecting too much from each other. Women may tend to smother their mates, while men may seem cold and uncaring. It is healthy for each partner to take time out to explore his or her individual interests.

What Men Need:
Men need to periodically pull away. Remember that men are like rubber bands. It is his natural cycle to get close, pull away, and get close again. It is important for men to fulfill their need for independence. Men automatically alternate between needing intimacy and autonomy. Give a man his space and he will be a better, more attentive, partner. When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, he often experiences increased moodiness, irritability, passivity, and defensiveness.

Also, when a man is in his cave, he wants to be left alone. He is working out his problems and frustrations by either doing something alone, like reading the paper or watching TV, or doing something active with his male friends.

Most men are happy when their mates do something fun for themselves at these times. It means that she is not sitting around waiting for him to come out of the cave. He will come out ready to talk and be intimate again, and she will have curbed her frustrations by being good to herself and having some fun.

What Women Need:
It is good for a woman's self esteem to take care of herself. She can get wrapped up in taking care of her family and forget how much she needs to nurture herself. Particularly when a man is off in his cave, she can enjoy the time alone to go shopping, work in her garden, go to a class at the gym, or simply languish in the simple pleasure of soaking in a hot bath with a glass of wine.

It is especially important for a woman to cultivate relationships with other women. Women need to talk about what's happening in their lives. On Venus, this is an important part of relationship building. Since this is not the case on Mars, it is wonderful for a woman to get together with her girlfriends so that they can talk about, and listen to, each other's problems, without judgment or offering unsolicited advice.

Couples can even plan these separate times apart. For instance, Tuesday could be his poker night with the boys, and Thursday her night for dinner and a movie with her girlfriends. Both partners will not only appreciate the time to do the things that make them feel good, but will come back feeling renewed and excited to be in such a healthy, well-balanced relationship.

John Gray is the author of 15 best-selling books, including Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus; the number one best-selling relationship book of the last decade. In the past ten years, over 30 million Mars and Venus books have been sold in over 40 languages throughout the world. An expert in the field of communication, John Gray's focus is to help men and women understand, respect and appreciate their differences in both personal and professional relationships. To order John's new release, John Gray Live! Beyond Mars and Venus as an Individual Set (contains one DVD and one CD of the speakers' 'live' performance) at a special discount or to view and learn more about The Ultimate Collection for Entrepreneurs and Sales Professionals -- including Jim Rohn, Tom Peters, Les Brown, Jeffrey Gitomer, Brian Tracy, Connie Podesta and More! (10 DVD/CD package) go to http://www.jimrohn.com/collection or call 800-929-0434. (c) 2006 All Rights Reserved.

Other Links :